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Addictions, The Guilt & Shame Cycle

When a person is addicted to a substance like drugs or an experience like sex, it usually causes them to feel guilt and shame about their addiction. Addictive behavior exposes a weakness and a dependence on something outside of ourselves to give a sense of well-being. When we see our self as weak and needy, it often causes us to feel ashamed of our weakness, which actually intensifies our neediness. Addiction creates a cycle of ever increasing addictive behavior resulting in guilt and shame which in turn motivates an increase in dependence on the addiction for comfort. This cycle is a guilt and shame cycle that at a point in the addiction history, becomes self perpetuating and makes it difficult to break. In this article we will discuss the weakness of a poor self-image that makes us vulnerable to addictions, the guilt and shame that results, the cycle that takes over and suggestions for breaking free from addictive behavior.

Addictions – Guilt & Shame Cycle

When a person is addicted to a substance like drugs or an experience like sex, it usually causes them to feel guilt and shame about their addiction. Addictive behavior exposes a weakness and a dependence on something outside of ourselves to give a sense of well-being. When we see our self as weak and needy, it often causes us to feel ashamed of our weakness, which actually intensifies our neediness. Addiction creates a cycle of ever increasing addictive behavior resulting in guilt and shame which in turn motivates an increase in dependence on the addiction for comfort. This cycle is a guilt and shame cycle that at a point in the addiction history, becomes self perpetuating and makes it difficult to break. In this article we will discuss the weakness of a poor self-image that makes us vulnerable to addictions, the guilt and shame that results, the cycle that takes over and suggestions for breaking free from addictive behavior.

Inner Weakness and Pain

All of us are the products of our parental care and training. When our parental training is good, it builds a positive image of our self within us. When our parental care is unhealthy, it creates a negative image of or self in or minds. Good parenting will create self-esteem in the heart of a child. When they are loved, they believe themselves to be worthy of love and loveable. Self-esteem, which is a positive image of our self, is necessary for a human being to be a healthy person. What we believe about our own person has a lot to do with how we feel within. If we see our self as strong, desirable and worthy of love we are able to move into our life with confidence. If we see our self as weak, undesirable and unworthy of love, we will move into our life with fear and self-hatred. Those who feel poorly about self will feel an overall inner pain because they think they are flawed and unlovable. There is a link between poor parenting causing a negative self image and addiction that uses pleasure to distract us away from feeling hurt because we are unlovable.

Those with a negative evaluation of self will be more vulnerable to an addiction than those who believe good things about self. When addicts enter into treatment, one of the goals is to uncover foundational pain in the heart of the person. The addicted person will have linked pain related to poor self-esteem to their addiction with the pain actually driving the need for the pleasure distraction. If you are struggling with an addiction, one of the positive steps to take is to recall you inner feelings of self-loathing so that you can unhook them from your addictive behavior. Low self-esteem has a better solution than covering it up with an addiction.

Dr. Patrick Carnes an expert on sex addiction, in his book called Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction, on page 135, gives four common statements that dominate the self-talk of the sexually addicted clients he has treated.

1. I am basically a bad and unworthy person

2. No one will love me as I am – I am unlovable

3. My needs will never be met if I have to depend on others – never have been

4. My addiction is my most important need and relationship – replaces love

These negative statements used as inner dialogue cause a feeling of hopelessness, making people vulnerable to entering into addictive behaviors. Most sex addicts use similar statements in their self-talk to describe their opinion of themselves.

Guilt & Shame Cycle

People who are prone to addictions are already ashamed of themselves because they see their self as inferior and unlovable. Guilt and shame is already a part of their daily struggle. When they surrender their will to an addiction, guilt and shame will increase as a natural reaction to the surrender. When we lose control of our will to an outside force, it exposes or inner weakness causing guilt and shame. The guilt and shame from our addiction causes an increased need for comfort driving us back to the addiction. When we enter into an addiction, we create a self perpetuating cycle that works as follows:

1. Inner pain from negative beliefs about self

2. Pursue pleasure from a substance or experience to distract us from the pain

3. Addiction to the pleasure gained from the substance and loss of control

4. Guilt and shame result from losing control causing more inner stress.

5. Driven back to addiction to addiction to comfort our inner discomfort.

What we have described is a cycle that feeds itself. We start with inner pain, uses pleasure to comfort our pain, which creates guilt and shame and the need for more comfort, which drives us back to our medicating addiction. The system feeds itself making it very difficult to break. This why we tell our self that we will stop after this last time but cannot seem to make it happen. We hate what we are doing but believe we need it to comfort us from the overwhelming pain of hopelessness. This cycle explains why addiction treatment involves counseling about our childhood and parental relationships. Only by breaking down the original pain from negative self-evaluations can we let go of our “medicine” we have prescribed for our self to cover up our pain.

Breaking the Cycle

When we decide to break out of the control of our addictions, several steps are necessary to be successful. First we must admit that we are addicted, that we need help and we have to make this information public knowledge. By public we mean at least within your family and the people who will help you recover. Being honest about your situation and abandoning denial is critical for being able to let your medication go. Second, we must cut off the use of the substance or experience. Most people need help staying away from their substance of choice. If it is available and you are truly addicted, you will have trouble saying no to it when the pain of withdrawals takes place. This is why drug treatment requires isolation in a center where others can hold you accountable. Third we must seek a support system of other people that will hold us accountable and encourage our success. Humans are herd animals and need peer support to be successful and happy. This is especially true when breaking the cycle of an addiction or trying to change deep rooted attitudes and behaviors. Finally we have to have help changing our minds about our self and our self worth. The pain of low self worth is what makes most people vulnerable to addictions in the first place. Removing the pain of negative self-talk removes the pain and need for the distracting pleasure. A counselor or wise friend can help you discover your own faulty ideas about self, reject the use of these ideas and replace your negative self-talk with positive self-talk. When you change the message of your inner voices, the positive message will cause you to feel differently inside. Rejecting the demeaning message and tone will diminish your negative beliefs and feelings toward self. Embracing positive messages will increase a feeling of confidence and hopefulness about your chances for love and success. Addictions must be pulled up by the root or they will grow back and you will find yourself vulnerable again and relapse into addictive behaviors.

Very few people are able to break a serious, long-term addiction on their own. Members of AA will tell you that no one is able to do this alone. The numbers that support their view are very strong. If you are caught in an addiction that is hindering or ruining your life, destroying your relationships and diminishing your potential, I suggest you seek professional help. If your addiction is to meth, crack or heavy drugs, you must seek help to overcome this terrible problem.

My final suggestion is one that I use in my own life to keep me on a positive track. I believe in God and trust what God has said in the bible to help me see a positive future. If you have found God for yourself or think it is time for you to make things right with God, there are links in this website that discuss how to go about entering a relationship with God. My prayers will be with you.

A Christian Perspective

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